The next ten days are going to be filled with much activity. This weekend is Mother's Day which is a rough day for me being as my mother has dementia and hasn't known who I am for the past seven years. I saw her in Denver this past winter, sat right next to her and she just looked at me and smiled wondering who I was. I bit the bullet, but it was hard. The place where I am currently staying is having family in from out of town for Mother's Day so I have to find a temporary place to hole up at from Saturday night to Monday afternoon. I was told of this much earlier and am so appreciative of the room I have been using for the past few months. Great people I stay with. They have adopted me so to speak and there is nothing I wouldn't do for them. With being said, I still need to leave for two days so that they can enjoy time with their family. If anyone has a horse stall or barn and wouldn't mind me staying in it, I would greatly appreciate it. I don't need anymore than that.
Going to dinner with a long time friend tomorrow night which I am looking forward to. I think we are going to have sushi, my favorite. I know, cowboys eat beef, but his cowboy could eat raw fish every day of the week for the rest of his life. Going to spend three or four days riding Cody around town. He's boarded too far from any hills or riding trails. Saturday morning is a bull riding school that a good friend is putting on and I will go out to help. Afterward I think I shall take a long drive into the mountains, take my guns, some good music and sit on top of a huge boulder that overlooks the entire valley. I used to go there years ago when I was down or needed to think. I named it Teardrop Rock for it's where I would go to let everything out. I need to do that again for everything is starting to back up on me and I am just too overwhelmed to sort through things right now.
Unless you've been on the receiving end of death, and I have been eight prior times in my life, you just don't understand what goes through one's head. Especially when you thought you were invincible at a point in your life being of what you made it through. Now, I look at my daughters who don't really time for me being their lives are so busy. I know they love me and they probably just think that the old man is so tough and resilient that he'll handle this no problem. Of my five older children who are on their own, I haven't heard from my eldest daughter in two years; saw my youngest son a year ago or so, but we don't talk. He has a beautiful daughter who I don't even know and probably never will. My eldest son did send me a text a couple days and told me he would call today but nothing as of yet. You know, you think you did good job as a parent, being there when your children needed you. Going to all the games, plays, assemblies, walk-a-thons, open houses, meet the teacher night, dances, etc, etc, etc. I never missed one. Not one! I was there, the old man. Gave them all a roof, food, clothes, education and then one day, you're just not that important.
My father was a beast. He was adored and loved by the folks in his hometown but no one really knew what went on behind closed doors. I didn't speak to him for twenty-five years until one day I decided to let bygones be bygones. It took me a little to locate him and when I did I called him up. I told him that I would never forget, for those memories are etched in my soul, but I did tell him that I forgive him. For the next years before his passing we talked weekly. I was not able to attend his funeral due to hospitalization for this damn cancer, but he knew I was there. I feel bad for some of my children that may not have that opportunity to say whatever is on their minds. That's a big anchor to have hanging around your neck the rest of your life. I may rambling tonight, so if so, excuse me.
If you've never seen the movie, "The Shootist", with John Wayne, do me a favor, watch it. Watch it for me if you ever do anything for me at all. You'll understand where I am at right now.
I came out of UCLA the other day after my bone marrow biopsy and was just dejected looking at all the people in wheel chairs, masks on, grey skin, liaisons all over their bodies, and I just about lost it. This is not me! I don't roll like this! Yes, I have fought this for three years. I have lost almost everything of any material value. Can't find a decent job. Lost my wife. Lost that "Hi dad" every night when I would come home. No, I am not feeling sorry for myself, just trying to get you to understand what my mind is going through right now. For some reason, this fight is unlike any of the other fights I have been through in my life. Something is definitely different on this ride, but what the hell, let's see where it goes.
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