This Cowboy's Naked Truth

     Tonight as I lay here it has become a time to reflect.  A photo was posted of me by a friend, and a great photographer, Austin Wallace.  Unfortunately, he is not a magician and you just can't make old, weathered and tired look good, but I really appreciate what he did for me.  My children really don't have any photos of me. I guess I was the one always taking the pictures and I just didn't make it in many of them, so I asked Austin if he would take some photos of me in my element that I may pass down to my children.  He obliged and came out on a Saturday and shot for an hour and a half.
     Earlier this afternoon I stopped by to see my girls.  My baby came out and gave me a big kiss and hug.  We talked about volleyball, school and grades.  She is only fourteen and is growing up fast just like her brothers and sisters did.  After got in my truck and drove around the corner, I pulled over and parked.  A song was playing by George Jones called, "He Stopped Loving Her Today."  The song had nothing to do with Berlyn and I, but if you know the tune it's a real tear jerker.  For whatever reason it made me think about the possibility of not making it through this transplant and never seeing my children again.  Never holding them or hearing their voices say the sweet things they do.  Not seeing my youngest go to her proms or graduate.  Not seeing either one get married or being able to walk them down the aisle.  Never to see my boys whom I never see anyway, but the thought of that possibility being taken away forever.  I thought about what I have done in my life, what I would leave behind for them, and how I wouldn't be there to protect them as I have always done.  What would be on my tombstone?  Would anyone show up to bury me?  Just thoughts that go through my head and they seem to be more frequent as the day approaches for me to be admitted.
     I suppose you have to go through a life and death situation to really know what I am talking about.  Don't misunderstand my words for I am not giving in or giving up, but simply being realistic.  My doctors have given me a lousy deck of cards.  I am not going to get into that or what is wrong, but simply say a few words that hopefully will make a difference is someone's life.
     Whatever your problems.  Whatever is holding you back from finding true happiness, stop what you're doing, take a good look at yourself in the mirror, and if your not totally happy with that person then do something about it before it's too late.  Yes, I have made mistakes by the hay wagon full.  I have made enemies.  There are probably a few people in this town that are hopeful that I die, but there are so many that have gathered around and offered me more support and love than I deserve.  I couldn't help but me moved by all the compliments on the photo that was posted.  I don't know most of them, but just to read some kind words from strangers was quite moving, and for them I thank you.
     In the upcoming weeks there is so much that I wish to accomplish.  I shall continue to do what I love and that is going to the bull pen for bull riding on Wed and Sat nights, being around Cody (a QH that I am working with), being with my girls, being with my girl, being with my adopted family, my friends, playing some Texas Holdem, going to church, shooting my guns with the Northwest Corner gang and having a big rib eye steak dinner with all my friends that afternoon before I go into the hospital.  Speaking of which, we are going to be on the deck at Roscoe's at four o'clock on May 16th and all are welcome.  The next day, May 17th, I go into UCLA for my big rodeo.
     On an upbeat note, I plan on beating this damn cancer.  I beat it once in my life and I'll beat it again.  I no longer promise things to people but I will promise y'all this, I'll be back to ride bulls on my 65th birthday at the San Dimas and Norco rodeos.  I'll be back to take my daughters on that vacation I promised this year; walk my girls down the aisle; tell the boy that wants to take Berlyn to the prom that if he makes her cry that he'll cry too; see my boys and my granddaughter; get to know my girl better; give back to all that gave to me; and hug each and everyone of you that stood by me, through flush or full.
     As I have said before, you can lay around and feel sorry for yourself and let whatever ails you beat you down, but I embrace this cancer.  Bring it on!  Bring it all on!  Let's dance you and I so I can show you just what I am really made of.  For years, many people looked at me as being strong on the outside but they never really knew the inside, so now it's time to show them just what a cowboy is really made of.  I know this hospital stay is going to be hell, I don't pretend it's not, but I just can't quit.  I just don't know how anymore.  There's one of the ten commandments of "The Code of the West" that reads, "Finish What You Start", and I aim to finish to this fight, standing up!