This Cowboy's Naked Truth

Laying here again with thoughts swarming in my head like bees on a hive.  Seventeen more days!  Seventeen more days to cram in some living.  My heart is bit heavy for I did something two days ago that I am not particularly proud of, but it was necessary.  Right now I need to concentrate on me.  I know that sounds awful selfish but I just have to.  I can't have someone in my life, not like this, not right now.  I am half the man I used to be and that just doesn't set well with me right now.  My girls are worried to death although they don't show it to me.  I am a dad and we can sense these things from our children.  I need to get through this ordeal, get healthy again, put on some weight, get back to work, and then I can start to rebuild my life.
I met with an oncologist on Wednesday at UCLA and I cut to the chase.  My questions were direct and I got direct answers in return.  I asked, "How bad is this really going to be?"  He looked me square in the eyes and replied, "Bad!"  He said it wouldn't be as bad if I was younger and had not lost so much weight.  He also said that the risks are higher with me and the reason they are doing this was because of my personality and toughness.  He added that he has never had a patient who doesn't seem remotely afraid.  My reply was simply, "What good does it do to sit and worry about it.  I got it, you fix it, and we'll move on."  He just laughed and shook his head.  Then I asked him about the mouth and throat sores that come when the inject the chemo into me.  He told me that there will be mouth sores, they will be painful, but we'll give you pain medication.  Then my vanity came out and asked him if it was a sure thing that I'd lose my hair?  He said, "Definitely!"  He recommended having my hair cut very short before I check in so I don't have to deal with it.  My last question was my most serious however, "Do I have a decent chance of making it through this?"  Now, when I doctor doesn't say yes or no and instead he replies, "We will do everything in our power to get you though this and make you as comfortable as possible", that isn't what I wanted to hear.  He got up, shut the door, sat down and looked me in the eye and said, "I am not going to bullshit you.  You're in bad shape and this is not guaranteed."  He told me that I had some other underlying issues that are going to make this a little dicey.  Then he had me lay on the table and he poked around a bit.  When I first came in I told him my inability to catch my breath sometimes.  He told me that all the pulmonary and cardiac tests came back negative but had a chest x-ray taken anyway.  After looking at the films he immediately went to my right ribs, pressed gently upon which I abruptly removed his hand with an "ouch!"  Apparently I have two broken ribs!  I had to have broken them two months ago when I went to buckaroo with a horse and fell of off awkwardly.  All I have been doing the past month and half is aggravating them by working with horses and that is why they aren't healing.  Also, having a body that isn't healing correctly isn't helping much either, but I refuse to lay down and told him that I'll fight through the ribs just fine.  As he was standing over me he looked down at the championship belt buckle that I had on and said, "Your a champion bull rider?"  I proudly said, "yes", even if it was 1977.  He helped me up and after I caught my breath he said, "If you can ride bulls, you can do this."  So, I suppose we will see.  My attitude is still above the clouds but there is that little bit of concern, but then I look back when I beat insurmountable odds when they told me I would die from stomach cancer and came out on top, again!  I have to be honest, as the day gets closer my bravery gets tested more.  Too many people have been following this journey of mine, some who have already gone through this procedure or other hard circumstances relating to cancer, to let them down.  Got to be a pillar of strength if nothing else.  I have a boy who fights in the UFC.  Stands 6'8" and weighs about 270.  He has taken over the reins of being the "family tough guy" but I guess I just have to show him and my other children that pops is still tough, don't count him out, not yet.
I have met some very wonderful people on CML site.  It's for me with the cancer, CML, that I have.  We talk to each other and tell our stories in hopes to motivate and inspire one another as we fight this disease.  The woman who started it is in Australia as are a lot of the other guys.  It will be nice to have these brothers in arm at my side, as well as this wonderful woman.  I told her that I would like to shake her hand one day for what she has done and thank her.  Never been to Australia, lol.
This coming Monday I am going shooting with the boys from the Northwest Corner and afterwards I'll leave from the range and drive to UCLA for the first of six tests that I must undergo.  The first test was scheduled for 10:30 in the morning and when the nurse coordinator called to confirm my appointments I stopped her in her tracks and said I will not be there in the morning and you best change that appointment to the afternoon because I have a prior commitment.  She did.  Hoping my daughter Brittany can go shooting with us.  She's met the boys and would love to shoot guns with us and I would love to have her along.
Going to spend tomorrow going to Norco to pick up some leather strips so I can fix the saddle, have lunch at Pat's Kitchen, pick up some new spurs straps and make the rounds.  Saturday will be spent with the horse in the morning and bull riding at night.  Looking forward to seeing my pards Saturday night.  Nothing more that I would rather be doing than bull riding.  Sunday I am going to church and bring the roof down.  Monday, shooting and having tests all afternoon.  Going to have to things to do the rest of the week, but leave it to me I'll come up with plenty of options.
We all make mistakes.  We all fall off sometimes.  Doesn't matter.  Get up, dust off, pull yourself back in the saddle and try again.  Yeh, it's an old worn out saying but it's the best I got.