Howdy.  I have taken some time off of writing due to a few changes in my life, however, I am still alive and kicking.  It's always a good day when you're standing on the grass.
This past Saturday night was bull riding practice, getting ready for today's rodeo in Norco.  Took my girl to the practice session and gave her a taste of my world.  She is a horse trainer, a damn good one I might add, but has never been up close and personal with bulls.  We had a decent turn out and when it was over and we got into the truck I asked her what she thought.  Her remarks were something like, "Why do you guys do that to yourselves."  It's hard to explain to people that have never rode bulls or even been to a rodeo, but it's the danger, the adrenaline rush, courage, toughness, and the dream of being a world class cowboy are just a few of the reasons why.  As I lay here and type this blog I will be honest, I hurt.  My body is in constant pain from what I have done to it, but if I had to do it all over again, would I?  No I wouldn't, instead, I would have driven myself harder, pushed the envelope just a bit more.  Every pain in my bones has a story and I am proud of the way I feel because I did it my way.  Yes, I have been told by many people along the way to stop for one reason or another, and I am sure their reasons were solid but when you tell a cowboy that he can't do something you might as well tell him to go do it anyway because that is just what he is going to do.  I am going to kick this cancer right between the legs, drop it to it's knees, and walk away.  When I get healed up I am going to work harder than ever to put myself back in shape so I can go back to doing what I love to do, ride bulls.  None of my children have ever seen me ride.  They were born after I retired professionally or where quite young when I did.  This is who I am.  This is what I love and I am hoping that they will come out and watch their old man one time.
So the plan is this.  I am expecting a call from UCLA on Monday to give me a date as to when I am to be admitted for the bone marrow transplant.  I will go in, take whatever they give me, beat this, get out and get back home.  Knowing that it will take me a while to regroup and get my strength back up, I'll give it six months.  After that, it's back to the gym to rebuild, get the legs back in shape, strengthen the core, back and arms.  Then I'll be getting on beginner bulls and working my way up to the big boys.  I figure I will be riding at the Norco Horse Week Extreme Bull Riding the year after next.  I should be the oldest bull rider in the nation at the age of 65 and to me that is something to be proud of because most guys my age look like their reading to kick the bucket.
Tonight after the rodeo, Jake, Jorge and I, stopped by Pat's Kitchen in Norco to wash down the dirt and grab a bite.  On the way out the door I heard someone say to me, "Why are you limping?"  I turned around and saw a man sitting by himself.  He was wearing a Norco Rodeo Posse uniform.  They are the people who run the rodeo.  I said, "Because I'm an old bull rider."  Long story short he invited us to sit down at his table.  His name is Dave and he is five years older than me.  A Vietnam vet who enlightened us on some of this journey and suffers from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.  I told him that I suffer from the same disorder and we shared our stories.  It was a great sit down for Dave is also a cowboy poet and he recited two poems that he wrote.  I have never heard anything more beautiful in my life and asked him to send them to me via email so I can share them with you.  Jake and Jorge were with me as I stated earlier and were all ears.  Dave and I did the talking.  When we walked out to our trucks to go, Dave was paying for the bills because he insisted on paying our tab as well.  While Jake, Jorge and I were outside I told them that this is what life is all about, relationships.  If you don't have good, solid relationships in your life, you ain't got spit.  Maybe you got the houses, cars, boats, jewelry and whatever else, but if you don't have relationships you're dirt poor.  I would rather have the true friends I have than all of that.  Tonight, I started another relationship that I am certain will carry me until one of us dies.
Life is hard right now.  Cancer, financial stress, a truck that gets ten miles a gallon, aching broken bones and being old and ugly, but I am not complaining.  I am a rich man.  I like my life.  I like where I am going, who I am with, and what the future holds.  My life is good today and will be better tomorrow.  I hope your's will be too.  Goodnight.

Today is Monday and no news.  It appears I will not be told anything until Wednesday.  Like the anticipation of death is worse than death itself, so is waiting to know if something is wrong with you.  Regardless, I spent the morning working with Cody and after getting my fanny kicked by him today I am sitting down and going to try and finish my movie "The Shootist."  For you that have never seen this John Wayne film, it was his last for two years later he died of cancer.  I am not pessimistic!  I believe people that know me, know that I am anything but;however, the thoughts of not living through cancer are always in the back of your mind.  No matter how tough you are, how resilient, if you have cancer those thoughts just exist.  I think I would call anyone a liar who disagreed, but it is life.  We don't always get good cards when the dealer throws them out, but if your a good poker player, and I am, you learn how to bluff and win.
Not to get to personal, lol, but when I got out of the shower this morning and stood in front of the mirror I took a good look at myself and shook my head.  Only three years ago I was big, strong, tough as nails, and now I am not so big, not so strong, but tougher than nails.  It's difficult to be in one body and then in the matter of a couple of years your in a different body.  It's all vanity and I believe the good Lord has his reasons and I am OK with it all.  There is so much more to a person than looks.  People change over time, hopefully for the best, but they do change.  I used to live hard and fast, wild and reckless.  I just lived for the day.  Now I live hard and slow, not quite so wild and not quite so reckless, although I do love bull riding, breaking horses, and being challenged, but I have slowed down a lot.  When I drive my truck I just poke along and take in everything around me, where as before I would fly by and never see.  I spend more time looking at people, trying to find the downtrodden and getting to know them.  Getting to know their story.  It's amazing what you can learn by just listening to the lives others.  So many times people think they have it bad until they listen to someone else.
I had four goals that I set out with this year.  I may have mention this before and if so, excuse me.  I wanted to take my daughters on a vacation to Disney World, beat cancer, finish my book, and ride bulls at the San Dimas rodeo.  Well, it doesn't appear that I do two of the three, you figure em out, but I will do the other two.  If they tell me my stomach cancer is back then I'll just have to deal with it.  I jokingly say that if that were to be that I would pack a short pack for a long ride.  That won't happen because that would be that I quit and if there are two words I don't like, quit and can't, just crawl under my skin.  A friend posted on my Facebook page something along these lines, "The best way to get a cowboy to do something is to tell him he is to old."  Well, I added on to that and said, "Tell him he can't and he will."  Point is this, whatever you have, whatever your troubles, health, money, skeletons in the closet, addictions, whatever, wrap your arms around it.  Embrace it as a challenge.  Trust in God!  Another post that I read was something like this, "If your going through troubled times and you don't think God is listening, remember, the teacher never talks when you're taking a test."  Tomorrow the sun is going to come up, it'll be a new day, and life will go on.  Make it all you can.  Goodnight.

Had quite an eventful evening. I ended up at a place called Montana's in San Dimas. Was just sitting there by myself, watching everyone dance, and was just about to get up a leave when a beautiful woman came up and asked me if I was alone and if so would I be interested in joining her table where she had other friends. Well, I accepted and walked over and was introduced and we began talking. Now, I have done everything a cowboy can do but one thing, dance. I was asked if I dance and I replied, "no." I tried to use every excuse I could think of as to why I can't but it did not detour this woman from getting me on the dance floor. I felt like an elephant trying to step across a sea of eggs. However, I kind of caught on and really did enjoy myself. It felt so good to get out and do something different. After some conversation I learned that she was a cancer survivor some fifteen years ago so there was a common thread. She is also a horse trainer, another common thread. She is beautiful, funny, and works hard. You never know where life is going to take you. I told her what is going on with me, that I would be laid up for awhile and that I really don't have anything to offer anyone right now, but she disagreed. I like her. She seems like a really good person. Going to go watch the new bull riding movie that is out. You don't find too many women that would want to go watch a movie about bull riding.
Waiting to here from my doctors tomorrow or Tuesday regarding my latest tests. This has been a long weekend not knowing what is going on with me, but it hasn't slowed me down. Still living life large, hard and fast. Don't have time to lay down and rest. I suspect I'll have plenty of time for that in the near future. Going to call UCLA tomorrow and try to get some answers regarding my donor situation. Will be awaiting a call from the oncologist regarding the resurfacing of stomach cancer. That's the main one right now.
Anyway, going to grab some grub, call it a night for I have a long day tomorrow. Looking forward to Tuesday and of course bull riding on Wednesday night. I appreciate all of you that have sent me private messages of faith, love and courage. I appreciate the posts and help along the way. They're all greatly appreciated.

Rode hard and put up wet today.

Not sure where to start tonight for a lot has been going on the past few days.  Had some tests done on my stomach to try and find out why I am bleeding.  Twenty-three years ago I beat stomach cancer, so I thought.  My white blood cell count is going through the roof again and it could be a possibility that it is coming back.  I will find out of Monday.  I will also hear from UCLA on what progress is being made on extracting the marrow from the donor.  My breathing at times is so bad I feel as though I am going suffocate.  I spent three days in Chino Valley Hospital and they couldn't find out why I was having breathing problems and chest pains.  My heart is in excellent shape, as are all my interior organs except my spleen, which is greatly enlarged, and now my stomach again.  I swear, I just can't catch a break, but it is what is it is and I will deal with it accordingly.  My body is riddled with pain and seems to be getting worse daily.  I am not posting this so you will feel sorry for me, I am merely keeping those who are interested in my journey in the loop.
I spent twelve hours at my Patty's new home with her mother and my our daughter Brittany.  The first fives hours I weeded the rose garden, made a trip to Walmart with my mother in law to pick up a new patio set, and then spent five hours putting the darn thing together.  She made me a nice chicken dinner and then I limped out to my truck and came home.  Tomorrow I am going back to finish the patio set, do a bit more weeding, and then heading out to the bull pen to help the young cowboys.  Right now I am just laying here watching some old westerns on the cowboy channel and will nod off soon.
I did talk to Patty about what is going on with me because she still cares and we have our daughters in common to think about.  I told her if my stomach cancer has resurfaced and having to deal with leukemia I don't know what I will do.  It's said that God does not give you any more than you can handle and I feel I have handled everything thus far pretty well, but throw this onto the fire and it's a bit more than I care to deal with.  I will just wait until Monday and try not to worry about any of this till then.  I just find it amazing that I took great care of my self for so many years and now everything is going in a 180 degree direction.  Don't know why or what the reason is but I am dying to find out, no pun intended.
May y'all enjoy your weekend and hopefully you're spending time with your families.  Don't take your life or your days for granted.  Don't think it will never happen to you.  Live hard, love often, and take the bull by the horns.  Goodnight.

Just a quick update

Howdy!  Still waiting for UCLA to drop the dime on me so I can be admitted and get this transplant going.  Feeling very tired the past week or two but I keep staying busy.  Today, I went to the home of my ex wife, mother in law, and daughters and pulled weeds in the backyard.  They have a very nice backyard with a great view of the Inland Empire.  Lots of flowering plants bordering the entire backyard, but the weeds are trying to take over so I have been pulling weeds in order to make their backyard look pristine.  Doing a lot of other chores such as hanging all the wall decorations, fixing problems as they arise and getting to spend time with all of them.  Needless to say, my body is completely trashed tonight.  I have work so hard in almost three years and my body is just not used to the bending over, digging with my hands, and lifting.  I much rather be riding bulls or breaking horses because my body is used to those activities but I have to admit, I feel good to have my muscles hurt like they do.  It's rather embarrassing to type that yard work is kicking my butt, but cancer definitely has a way of humbling a person.  Three years ago I was in the gym curling 140 pound barbell, 350 pound seated rows, knocking out 100 push ups to warm up, and now a bunch of weeds are giving me a run for my money.  When I beat this cancer, I'll be back!  Think I'll see if my buddy, Big Jack Bron, will allow me to work out with him.  If you don't know Jack, he is as big as a house, solid as a rock, and a good friend of mine.
Haven't been working on Cody as much as I would like being as I have been helping the girls in their new home.  Haven't been out to the bull pen for a couple of weeks either.  However, this Saturday I am going to a horse auction in the morning, working with Cody in the afternoon, and then out to the bull pen that night.  Thinking about heading up to Montana's in San Dimas after bull riding.
Just trying to live my life as though today will be the last.  Everyone tells me to slow down and get ready to go into the hospital.  I am ready!  I have been ready for quite some time but telling me to slow down is like trying to put a fire out with gasoline.  Just ain't going to happen.  I figure I will have plenty of time to lay around and rest when I go in so why not open the throttle up full speed and let er' rip.
It's amazing the number of people that have acquired cancer.  It's almost as if it is at epidemic proportions.  I really believe it is due to the food we eat and the water we drink.  We have been poisoned over time.  I read many posts on Facebook of people coming down with Leukemia and they all seem to have one thing in common, panic.  I suppose. rightfully so, they have reason to be afraid and frantic.  Personally, I am not afraid of it, nor am I panicking.  Instead of being afraid of it, I choose to wrap my arms around it and embrace it.  Bring it on!  I can beat it.  I will be it.  I have been through far too much in my sixty-two years to let this bring me down and beat up.  Granted, I have my times when my body hurts so bad I can't stand it.  When I can't breathe, or when I sleep for twelve to fourteen hours at a time, that I just want to quit, but those moments are short lived and I get right back up in the saddle and put the spurs to it.  Tonight, I hurt everywhere.  There isn't a bone or muscle that doesn't hurt.  I could take my morphine or dilaudid but then I am giving into it and I just won't do it.  I am stronger than this cancer and I will not let it dictate how I am going to live.  Don't misunderstand me, I am not bragging or putting myself up on some pedestal.  I'm just a tough old cowboy and I have a certain amount of pride in being the way I am.  Just like John Wayne when he acquired cancer.  It wore him down, beat him up, but he never gave in until it took him.  He didn't cry about it, didn't bitch about, didn't make any excuses.  He played the hand he was dealt and he played it to the end and I will do the same thing.
I would like to thanks my buddies Gary, Bill and Jack for putting up with me.  I would like to thank my girls on Facebook, y'all know who you are, for all the love and support.  I would like to give a huge thanks to my friends for allowing me the use of a room so I don't have to sleep in my truck.  Like to especially thank my family, Patty, Mom, Brittany, Berlyn, Teddy, Jack and Bob for all the help and unconditional love.
Going to lay my head down and let my body do what it needs to do tonight.  Remember, storms never last and they eventually run out of rain.  The glass is always half full!

First of all, a Happy Easter to y'all.  This is the first Easter in almost forty years where I have not watched my children celebrate or have the traditional Easter dinner.  It is all good however.  Yesterday I moved my ex wife, mother in law and two daughters into their new home.  As a father, I couldn't be happier for my girls and for my ex and her mother, I am also happy for them.  Fortunately, Patty and I, are still good friends, work together for the happiness of our daughters and personally that is the way it should be.  Unfortunately, divorces more often than not produce bitterness, anger, resentment, and hostility.  It's the children that suffer most and I am blessed that my daughters are only a few blocks away and have adjusted well.
Lately I have been thinking quite hard about this transplant I am to have.  As I stated in my previous blog it looks like the end of April when I will enter the hospital.  I no longer get to excited about anything until I see it happening, but I am optimistic that the doctors will make this happen soon.
The other night, I met a man who lives here in Chino Hills.  Some of you may know him.  His name is Carlos.  His son fell thirty feet, landed on his head, and is paralyzed from the fall.  I have met his ex wife before and know of their son's story.  As we talked he told me that it was the hardest thing he had every had to go through knowing that his son, his boy, would not be able to do the things that other young men can do.  Every father who has sons, I have two, always wants to be able to play catch, go fishing, go hunting, do things that a father and son do together.  This father and son can't.  All I could really was just listen to his story.  What impressed me most of all however was the will and determination of this father and his son to not give up on their dreams.  When I came home that evening I laid down and thought over what Carlos had said.  I thought about this blog page and what this blog page was set up to do.  To inspire others through the trials and tribulations that I'am going through.  After I read my last post I realized that I had not done that.  So, this is where it is.  I will go into the hospital, do the transplant and if God is willing I will walk out.  I will fight this cancer until I have no more breath left in my body.  The glass is half full, not half empty.  As bad as I feel sometimes, as much as I yell in my pillow at night, or just want to throw into the towel, I can't and I won't.  Everywhere I go it seems someone knows me.  They compliment me on my optimism and the fight I have inside of me.  It's overwhelming at times.  Sometimes I just don't have the words to respond back.  It is as though a huge responsibility has been placed on my shoulders and it is imperative that I succeed and win this battle.  I accept the responsibility and am thankful for those people who either follow my journey, have provided, or are praying for my recovery.  I will just leave it up to the Lord and whatever he says or decides will be what I shall do.
May y'all have a wonderful Easter and truly remember what this day represents.  Until the next time, sit tall in the saddle.

Finally received a call back from UCLA today.  They have found four donors and have received samples from three of them.  They are currently running tests on the samples to determine which one would be suit me and my needs.  Then they have to contact the donor, request the marrow, have it shipped, and then they'll drop the dime on me.  My nurse coordinator figures I should be in the hospital by the end of the month.  I am not holding my breath but I just as soon get this thing over with.
Lately, I have been overly tired, body hurts more now than ever, eat like a hummingbird and two days ago I have started to cough up small amounts of blood.  My blood is a thin as gasoline and when I scrape or cut myself, they just don't heal quickly.  Still refusing to take pain medications.  I do need to eat better for I have lost six pounds this past month.  It's just the cancer takes away the appetite and I don't pay attention to eat.  The out of sight, out of mind thing.
Going to move my ex, her mother and my two daughters into their new abode on Saturday.  I will feel so much better having them all together and close by.  So Saturday is going to be a butt kicker for this old cowboy.
Been working with the horses still and enjoy my time with them.  Bull riding as usual on Saturday night.
Haven't seen my homeless buddy for a week and am hoping that he is all right.
Need to find some work this month or I am going to have to get rid of my truck and rodeo gear.  Just can't make it on nothing disability.  Such a joke!  I really don't want to go in and have this transplant to be quite honest because then I will be stuck in a bed, worrying about bills, and be more miserable than I already am.  Plus, my little Berlyn is graduating in June from the 8th grade and I want to be there to witness her big day.
I got to thinking that two and half years ago, my first oncologist gave me six to eight months because my cancer was is the aggressive phase.  Two and a half years ago and I am still kicking butt.  Wondering if I am really that sick.  I am still here.  I still live life hard and fast.  People say I look good, so what the hay?
Saw a trailer for sale on Facebook, courtesy of Lucy, and will call tomorrow.  I am going to need to bed down somewhere when I get out, if I get out, and it would do just fine.  I know they say I will need someone to take care of me when I get out of the hotel, but I think they underestimate me severely.  I have take care of myself all my life, not married anymore, not have any attachments and I think I can do this.  Really don't want to be a bother, having to have someone around me all the time, getting my meals, medicine and taking me to doctor appointments.  It's just to damn much to ask of people.  The more I think about this, the more time it takes to get in, the further away I am beginning to get from it.  I am like a horse on the fence, damned if I do and damned if I don't.  Can't get a job.  No one will hire me because of the cancer and/or my age.  Been turned down by every place in town.  There is no need for cowboys in this town.  The two cattle ranches in town hardly have any cows on them.  Not like it was twenty years ago around here.
Well, enough of my crap.  Going to go to sleep and try to make an engagement tomorrow.  The father of some friends of mine passed away and tomorrow is his viewing and funeral.  I never met the man, wish I had, but I know his daughters and out of respect for them I am going to try and go.
Not a very interesting blog tonight, but I am just a little beat up, tired and discouraged.  I guess it happens to everyone sometime.
Goodnight.