Tonight as I lay here it has become a time to reflect.  A photo was posted of me by a friend, and a great photographer, Austin Wallace.  Unfortunately, he is not a magician and you just can't make old, weathered and tired look good, but I really appreciate what he did for me.  My children really don't have any photos of me. I guess I was the one always taking the pictures and I just didn't make it in many of them, so I asked Austin if he would take some photos of me in my element that I may pass down to my children.  He obliged and came out on a Saturday and shot for an hour and a half.
     Earlier this afternoon I stopped by to see my girls.  My baby came out and gave me a big kiss and hug.  We talked about volleyball, school and grades.  She is only fourteen and is growing up fast just like her brothers and sisters did.  After got in my truck and drove around the corner, I pulled over and parked.  A song was playing by George Jones called, "He Stopped Loving Her Today."  The song had nothing to do with Berlyn and I, but if you know the tune it's a real tear jerker.  For whatever reason it made me think about the possibility of not making it through this transplant and never seeing my children again.  Never holding them or hearing their voices say the sweet things they do.  Not seeing my youngest go to her proms or graduate.  Not seeing either one get married or being able to walk them down the aisle.  Never to see my boys whom I never see anyway, but the thought of that possibility being taken away forever.  I thought about what I have done in my life, what I would leave behind for them, and how I wouldn't be there to protect them as I have always done.  What would be on my tombstone?  Would anyone show up to bury me?  Just thoughts that go through my head and they seem to be more frequent as the day approaches for me to be admitted.
     I suppose you have to go through a life and death situation to really know what I am talking about.  Don't misunderstand my words for I am not giving in or giving up, but simply being realistic.  My doctors have given me a lousy deck of cards.  I am not going to get into that or what is wrong, but simply say a few words that hopefully will make a difference is someone's life.
     Whatever your problems.  Whatever is holding you back from finding true happiness, stop what you're doing, take a good look at yourself in the mirror, and if your not totally happy with that person then do something about it before it's too late.  Yes, I have made mistakes by the hay wagon full.  I have made enemies.  There are probably a few people in this town that are hopeful that I die, but there are so many that have gathered around and offered me more support and love than I deserve.  I couldn't help but me moved by all the compliments on the photo that was posted.  I don't know most of them, but just to read some kind words from strangers was quite moving, and for them I thank you.
     In the upcoming weeks there is so much that I wish to accomplish.  I shall continue to do what I love and that is going to the bull pen for bull riding on Wed and Sat nights, being around Cody (a QH that I am working with), being with my girls, being with my girl, being with my adopted family, my friends, playing some Texas Holdem, going to church, shooting my guns with the Northwest Corner gang and having a big rib eye steak dinner with all my friends that afternoon before I go into the hospital.  Speaking of which, we are going to be on the deck at Roscoe's at four o'clock on May 16th and all are welcome.  The next day, May 17th, I go into UCLA for my big rodeo.
     On an upbeat note, I plan on beating this damn cancer.  I beat it once in my life and I'll beat it again.  I no longer promise things to people but I will promise y'all this, I'll be back to ride bulls on my 65th birthday at the San Dimas and Norco rodeos.  I'll be back to take my daughters on that vacation I promised this year; walk my girls down the aisle; tell the boy that wants to take Berlyn to the prom that if he makes her cry that he'll cry too; see my boys and my granddaughter; get to know my girl better; give back to all that gave to me; and hug each and everyone of you that stood by me, through flush or full.
     As I have said before, you can lay around and feel sorry for yourself and let whatever ails you beat you down, but I embrace this cancer.  Bring it on!  Bring it all on!  Let's dance you and I so I can show you just what I am really made of.  For years, many people looked at me as being strong on the outside but they never really knew the inside, so now it's time to show them just what a cowboy is really made of.  I know this hospital stay is going to be hell, I don't pretend it's not, but I just can't quit.  I just don't know how anymore.  There's one of the ten commandments of "The Code of the West" that reads, "Finish What You Start", and I aim to finish to this fight, standing up!

     
   

Laying here tonight and I can't remember the time my body has hurt this bad.  Having a latigo on the saddle break loose resulting in being thrown off, a shoulder that is just plain raw from shooting many 30/30 rounds, and bone pain from this damn cancer, I am finally breaking down and taking some pain medication and muscle relaxants.  Watching a old Randolph Scott western call Comanche Station.  Sure wish I could have lived in those times.  My mother always told me that I was born 120 years too late and she was right.
Tonight I received a call from UCLA and the final date of my freedom is set for May 17.  That's the day I am to check in for my transplant.  Now that I definitely know, I am planning my next three weeks.  Going to gyo shooting one more time, having a great dinner at Roscoe's with my friends, spending times with my girls, going to meet an old friend at Morongo's for breakfast and some Texas Hold Em, spending time with my new girl, riding some horses, dinner at Pat's Kitchen, bull riding on Wed and Sat nights, and pushing it as hard as I can.
I ran out of chemo drugs a few days ago and called my nurse practitioner to let her know.  She got all bent because I have been out of a few days and should have called earlier because this could kill me.  Hell!  Who are they kidding?  I have dealt with this hideous disease for three years now, what it another few weeks going to do with or without medicine?  Tomorrow I will pick up the prescription and make everyone happy.  I am sorry, I just don't take this that serious.  I mean look at it from this perspective, I was told three years ago that I had six to eight months to live and here I am today living life large and full.  I have three weeks before I go in, which at that time they are going to basically kill me and try to bring me back to life.  I really think I can go another three weeks without any problem.
Going to lay here and watch "Broken Trail",  rest this body and hopefully be ready for some bull riding action tomorrow night followed by some dancing with my girl.
Life is good.  It's what you make it.

Going to have an endoscopic routine done tomorrow to determine if stomach cancer is back or not.  It's really an uncomfortable procedure in that they give you a little sedative and tell you to swallow a television cable.  Just counting the days to May 14, trying to live large and bold until then.  Went shooting with the boys yesterday and had a great time.  Fired a few too many rounds from my 30/30 because my titanium shoulder is black and blue from the recoil.  It helps to have a little muscle in front of the bone, or steel in my case.  Nonetheless, it was a great time and I'd do it again tomorrow.
According to some, I am just not compassionate enough for most of the human race.  I am to rough around the edges.  Maybe it has something to do with the way you grew up, although I don't blame my wrong doings in life on my childhood, never have, never will.  My father was a very heavy handed man who many time would beat his children because of the conflicts he had with my mother.  Throw some booze into the mix and you just never knew how you were going to go to bed.  Granted, back in my day the belt was the source of punishment but even then it can get out of hand, and it did.  When I saw my father beat my mother to a pulp I found it so repulsive that I have never hit a woman in my life and I never will.  Any man that hits a woman is not a man.  He's a coward!  When I finally left home and moved to Grantsville, Utah where my cousins and Uncle Pudge took over, things began to change for the better in my life, at least for a little while.  I grew up with tough men, hard workers, drinkers, smokers, fighters and just plain tough men.  It became my way of life and it chiseled me into the person I am today.  Don't get me wrong, I am no longer a physically tough man.  Sure, I might ride bulls and break horses but the days of physically strength are behind me.  I am however mentally tough.  I have sympathy and empathy towards others when I feel it is called for.  When it's not, I don't.  I never had anyone feel sorry for me, pat me on the bottom and say, "It's going to be all right."  I was around people that never showed pain or let you know that something was wrong.  Times have changed and so have people, but some of us are just too set in our ways.
I would never wish anyone to have what I have or any other illness.  I will help anyone I can, just as long as they will try to help themselves.  If you knew the story of me and one of my sons, you would know what I am talking about.  There comes a time when no one can pick you up but yourself.  I am not sure I want to write on this blog page anymore.  I just feel out of place with so many people anymore in that this world has just gone far too soft.  Perhaps I just need to write my book, shut up, and deal with what lays ahead.  My way of inspiring is not for the weak of heart.

Just a few photos to go with the face. Cody and I having our morning kiss; Cody and I trying to stay still, lol; Cody feeling a bit spirited; an old ugly cowboy just wondering; and the same one with his six shooter on. Had a great time, thanks much Austin.

Got the call today.  May 14th!  Finally!  Time to warm up.

Somehow I am hooked up to a link on my Facebook page that is for folks diagnosed with leukemia.  A couple of thoughts have come to mind as I read some of the posts.  First, it's amazing how many people are being diagnosed with all forms of cancer, not just leukemia.  As I have stated before it is my personal belief that this outbreak is do to the food and water that we have been subjected to intake.  To me it's the common thread that we all share.  The chemicals that have been added to our food chain and water supply must have an affect on our bodies over time.  Secondly, the attitudes that people have when they find out they have leukemia.  Now, there are different forms of leukemia and most of them are very treatable with new and improved drugs.  However, there are those rare birds such as myself that happen to have a rare disorder and are not treatable but the intake of these drugs.  Ok, so what I say?  So many of these people that have just been diagnosed, in fact I have yet to read one that has a positive attitude, seem to wallow in their diagnoses and want people to feel sorry for them.  One particular woman I responded to was upset with me because I told her to embrace her cancer, cowgirl up, and use it to her advantage and the advantage of others.  You have it!  Ok, deal with it.  Don't let it control you and dictate how your going to approach the rest of your life.  She stated that she didn't want any pep talks, but instead she wanted to know that there are others out there that experience the same pain she does.  What the hell?  Of course there are.  Some of us are in more pain than others but I don't need to hear that from anyone.  I want people around me that are going to offer me support, keep me pumped up when I start to feel beaten down, and encourage me to "Cowboy Up."
Last night as my fellow bull riders and I met with Dave, the cowboy poet, at Pat's Kitchen he complimented me on my attitude because I told him it's just another bull ride to me.  Maybe this bull is the biggest, rankest, meanest bull I have yet to ride, but it doesn't mean he is not ride-able.  Remember, there isn't a cowboy that can't be throwed and a bull that can't be rode.  I just refuse to back down and give in.  I welcome this challenge in my life.  Bring it on because when I beat this one there will be another one down the road I'll need to be ready for.  Challenges make us stronger.  Yes, there have been many times when I have been beaten down so hard that I just wanted to give up, but like Dave said last night, "When your world seems so dark that you can't see there is always a little speck of little that you need to keep striving to get towards."  It's that light that keeps you going and keeps you alive.  He's right!  Tomorrow is going come.  The sun is going to rise and the day will go on.  There will be a way to get through.
As I write this the pressures on me today are heavy, I just decide not to show them to others.  Instead, I like to think of myself as being a bigger man and not think of my problems, but the problems of others that are less fortunate than me.
Dave Backer was such an interesting man to listen to last night.  It's amazing what you can learn if you just shut your mouth and listen.  Dave is only five years older than I, but his travels, which have paralleled mine in many ways, gave me encouragement as I prepare for my bone marrow transplant.
Now for a medical update.  I have heard from my doctors regarding the stomach cancer concern and am scheduled for a endoscopic routine so they can go in and take a peek at what's going on.  They have ruled out stomach cancer but are concerned as to why I occasionally cough up blood and have stomach pain.  So, this is good news to me because I wasn't quite sure how I would have responded to having stomach cancer again along with leukemia.  I just spoke with the nurse coordinator at UCLA and she is currently working on my file and is going to call me in one half hour to give me a date when I will receive my transplant.  So, things are progressing and it's time to getting ready to ride.
When us bull riders are getting ready to ride we go through many preparations behind the chutes that the folks in the stands don't see.  We get warmed up, stretch our bodies, spend time alone thinking about what we are about to do, how we are going to ride the bull we have, getting our gear ready, rosining up our rope and glove, putting on our spurs, taping up our bodies, making sure that our minds are in the right place.  Well, in half an hour I will finally start getting warmed up.
Would like to thank all of those who attended the fund raiser on my behalf at Jojo's and contributed all the many items that I will need once I am moved to the Tiverton Hotel.  The funds that were generated have helped me make it a bit easier to get through life and get me to this point.  I was told of a comment someone made regarding the GoFundMe account in which this person said that I was "making bank."  This is so far from the truth.  There have been many expenses during this journey that needed to be addressed, and there are still issues I have to address before I go in, and these funds have helped take some of that pressure off of me.  There is nothing proud about being on disability.  I don't like it and would much rather work for my money, but as long as employment is out of the question at this point, it is nice to know that I have earned some disability from all the years that I did work.  When I am through with this cancer I will be back to work and will get off disability.  I have ambitions and dreams to fulfill in my life and I will once again walk through another dark hell only to reach that little speck of light.  I would like to thank my family for all their support and love, especially my daughter Brittany who nursed me back to health when I left the hospitals in the summer of 2013.  There is no doubt I would have died in the nursing home I was placed in after my second long hospital stay and it was Brittany who took off ten weeks of college to stay with me and nurse me back to health.  To my friends, old and new, for all the encouragement, love and support.  To my friends on the Northwest corner.  Most of all, to the Lord above for giving me this trail and tribulation.  For keeping me in the game all these years for I truly believe he still has great plans for me in the future ahead.  When I find out the date of my transplant I will post it immediately for y'all.  Till then, "If you're going through hell, keep going."  Winston Churchhill.

Howdy.  I have taken some time off of writing due to a few changes in my life, however, I am still alive and kicking.  It's always a good day when you're standing on the grass.
This past Saturday night was bull riding practice, getting ready for today's rodeo in Norco.  Took my girl to the practice session and gave her a taste of my world.  She is a horse trainer, a damn good one I might add, but has never been up close and personal with bulls.  We had a decent turn out and when it was over and we got into the truck I asked her what she thought.  Her remarks were something like, "Why do you guys do that to yourselves."  It's hard to explain to people that have never rode bulls or even been to a rodeo, but it's the danger, the adrenaline rush, courage, toughness, and the dream of being a world class cowboy are just a few of the reasons why.  As I lay here and type this blog I will be honest, I hurt.  My body is in constant pain from what I have done to it, but if I had to do it all over again, would I?  No I wouldn't, instead, I would have driven myself harder, pushed the envelope just a bit more.  Every pain in my bones has a story and I am proud of the way I feel because I did it my way.  Yes, I have been told by many people along the way to stop for one reason or another, and I am sure their reasons were solid but when you tell a cowboy that he can't do something you might as well tell him to go do it anyway because that is just what he is going to do.  I am going to kick this cancer right between the legs, drop it to it's knees, and walk away.  When I get healed up I am going to work harder than ever to put myself back in shape so I can go back to doing what I love to do, ride bulls.  None of my children have ever seen me ride.  They were born after I retired professionally or where quite young when I did.  This is who I am.  This is what I love and I am hoping that they will come out and watch their old man one time.
So the plan is this.  I am expecting a call from UCLA on Monday to give me a date as to when I am to be admitted for the bone marrow transplant.  I will go in, take whatever they give me, beat this, get out and get back home.  Knowing that it will take me a while to regroup and get my strength back up, I'll give it six months.  After that, it's back to the gym to rebuild, get the legs back in shape, strengthen the core, back and arms.  Then I'll be getting on beginner bulls and working my way up to the big boys.  I figure I will be riding at the Norco Horse Week Extreme Bull Riding the year after next.  I should be the oldest bull rider in the nation at the age of 65 and to me that is something to be proud of because most guys my age look like their reading to kick the bucket.
Tonight after the rodeo, Jake, Jorge and I, stopped by Pat's Kitchen in Norco to wash down the dirt and grab a bite.  On the way out the door I heard someone say to me, "Why are you limping?"  I turned around and saw a man sitting by himself.  He was wearing a Norco Rodeo Posse uniform.  They are the people who run the rodeo.  I said, "Because I'm an old bull rider."  Long story short he invited us to sit down at his table.  His name is Dave and he is five years older than me.  A Vietnam vet who enlightened us on some of this journey and suffers from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.  I told him that I suffer from the same disorder and we shared our stories.  It was a great sit down for Dave is also a cowboy poet and he recited two poems that he wrote.  I have never heard anything more beautiful in my life and asked him to send them to me via email so I can share them with you.  Jake and Jorge were with me as I stated earlier and were all ears.  Dave and I did the talking.  When we walked out to our trucks to go, Dave was paying for the bills because he insisted on paying our tab as well.  While Jake, Jorge and I were outside I told them that this is what life is all about, relationships.  If you don't have good, solid relationships in your life, you ain't got spit.  Maybe you got the houses, cars, boats, jewelry and whatever else, but if you don't have relationships you're dirt poor.  I would rather have the true friends I have than all of that.  Tonight, I started another relationship that I am certain will carry me until one of us dies.
Life is hard right now.  Cancer, financial stress, a truck that gets ten miles a gallon, aching broken bones and being old and ugly, but I am not complaining.  I am a rich man.  I like my life.  I like where I am going, who I am with, and what the future holds.  My life is good today and will be better tomorrow.  I hope your's will be too.  Goodnight.

Today is Monday and no news.  It appears I will not be told anything until Wednesday.  Like the anticipation of death is worse than death itself, so is waiting to know if something is wrong with you.  Regardless, I spent the morning working with Cody and after getting my fanny kicked by him today I am sitting down and going to try and finish my movie "The Shootist."  For you that have never seen this John Wayne film, it was his last for two years later he died of cancer.  I am not pessimistic!  I believe people that know me, know that I am anything but;however, the thoughts of not living through cancer are always in the back of your mind.  No matter how tough you are, how resilient, if you have cancer those thoughts just exist.  I think I would call anyone a liar who disagreed, but it is life.  We don't always get good cards when the dealer throws them out, but if your a good poker player, and I am, you learn how to bluff and win.
Not to get to personal, lol, but when I got out of the shower this morning and stood in front of the mirror I took a good look at myself and shook my head.  Only three years ago I was big, strong, tough as nails, and now I am not so big, not so strong, but tougher than nails.  It's difficult to be in one body and then in the matter of a couple of years your in a different body.  It's all vanity and I believe the good Lord has his reasons and I am OK with it all.  There is so much more to a person than looks.  People change over time, hopefully for the best, but they do change.  I used to live hard and fast, wild and reckless.  I just lived for the day.  Now I live hard and slow, not quite so wild and not quite so reckless, although I do love bull riding, breaking horses, and being challenged, but I have slowed down a lot.  When I drive my truck I just poke along and take in everything around me, where as before I would fly by and never see.  I spend more time looking at people, trying to find the downtrodden and getting to know them.  Getting to know their story.  It's amazing what you can learn by just listening to the lives others.  So many times people think they have it bad until they listen to someone else.
I had four goals that I set out with this year.  I may have mention this before and if so, excuse me.  I wanted to take my daughters on a vacation to Disney World, beat cancer, finish my book, and ride bulls at the San Dimas rodeo.  Well, it doesn't appear that I do two of the three, you figure em out, but I will do the other two.  If they tell me my stomach cancer is back then I'll just have to deal with it.  I jokingly say that if that were to be that I would pack a short pack for a long ride.  That won't happen because that would be that I quit and if there are two words I don't like, quit and can't, just crawl under my skin.  A friend posted on my Facebook page something along these lines, "The best way to get a cowboy to do something is to tell him he is to old."  Well, I added on to that and said, "Tell him he can't and he will."  Point is this, whatever you have, whatever your troubles, health, money, skeletons in the closet, addictions, whatever, wrap your arms around it.  Embrace it as a challenge.  Trust in God!  Another post that I read was something like this, "If your going through troubled times and you don't think God is listening, remember, the teacher never talks when you're taking a test."  Tomorrow the sun is going to come up, it'll be a new day, and life will go on.  Make it all you can.  Goodnight.

Had quite an eventful evening. I ended up at a place called Montana's in San Dimas. Was just sitting there by myself, watching everyone dance, and was just about to get up a leave when a beautiful woman came up and asked me if I was alone and if so would I be interested in joining her table where she had other friends. Well, I accepted and walked over and was introduced and we began talking. Now, I have done everything a cowboy can do but one thing, dance. I was asked if I dance and I replied, "no." I tried to use every excuse I could think of as to why I can't but it did not detour this woman from getting me on the dance floor. I felt like an elephant trying to step across a sea of eggs. However, I kind of caught on and really did enjoy myself. It felt so good to get out and do something different. After some conversation I learned that she was a cancer survivor some fifteen years ago so there was a common thread. She is also a horse trainer, another common thread. She is beautiful, funny, and works hard. You never know where life is going to take you. I told her what is going on with me, that I would be laid up for awhile and that I really don't have anything to offer anyone right now, but she disagreed. I like her. She seems like a really good person. Going to go watch the new bull riding movie that is out. You don't find too many women that would want to go watch a movie about bull riding.
Waiting to here from my doctors tomorrow or Tuesday regarding my latest tests. This has been a long weekend not knowing what is going on with me, but it hasn't slowed me down. Still living life large, hard and fast. Don't have time to lay down and rest. I suspect I'll have plenty of time for that in the near future. Going to call UCLA tomorrow and try to get some answers regarding my donor situation. Will be awaiting a call from the oncologist regarding the resurfacing of stomach cancer. That's the main one right now.
Anyway, going to grab some grub, call it a night for I have a long day tomorrow. Looking forward to Tuesday and of course bull riding on Wednesday night. I appreciate all of you that have sent me private messages of faith, love and courage. I appreciate the posts and help along the way. They're all greatly appreciated.

Rode hard and put up wet today.

Not sure where to start tonight for a lot has been going on the past few days.  Had some tests done on my stomach to try and find out why I am bleeding.  Twenty-three years ago I beat stomach cancer, so I thought.  My white blood cell count is going through the roof again and it could be a possibility that it is coming back.  I will find out of Monday.  I will also hear from UCLA on what progress is being made on extracting the marrow from the donor.  My breathing at times is so bad I feel as though I am going suffocate.  I spent three days in Chino Valley Hospital and they couldn't find out why I was having breathing problems and chest pains.  My heart is in excellent shape, as are all my interior organs except my spleen, which is greatly enlarged, and now my stomach again.  I swear, I just can't catch a break, but it is what is it is and I will deal with it accordingly.  My body is riddled with pain and seems to be getting worse daily.  I am not posting this so you will feel sorry for me, I am merely keeping those who are interested in my journey in the loop.
I spent twelve hours at my Patty's new home with her mother and my our daughter Brittany.  The first fives hours I weeded the rose garden, made a trip to Walmart with my mother in law to pick up a new patio set, and then spent five hours putting the darn thing together.  She made me a nice chicken dinner and then I limped out to my truck and came home.  Tomorrow I am going back to finish the patio set, do a bit more weeding, and then heading out to the bull pen to help the young cowboys.  Right now I am just laying here watching some old westerns on the cowboy channel and will nod off soon.
I did talk to Patty about what is going on with me because she still cares and we have our daughters in common to think about.  I told her if my stomach cancer has resurfaced and having to deal with leukemia I don't know what I will do.  It's said that God does not give you any more than you can handle and I feel I have handled everything thus far pretty well, but throw this onto the fire and it's a bit more than I care to deal with.  I will just wait until Monday and try not to worry about any of this till then.  I just find it amazing that I took great care of my self for so many years and now everything is going in a 180 degree direction.  Don't know why or what the reason is but I am dying to find out, no pun intended.
May y'all enjoy your weekend and hopefully you're spending time with your families.  Don't take your life or your days for granted.  Don't think it will never happen to you.  Live hard, love often, and take the bull by the horns.  Goodnight.

Just a quick update

Howdy!  Still waiting for UCLA to drop the dime on me so I can be admitted and get this transplant going.  Feeling very tired the past week or two but I keep staying busy.  Today, I went to the home of my ex wife, mother in law, and daughters and pulled weeds in the backyard.  They have a very nice backyard with a great view of the Inland Empire.  Lots of flowering plants bordering the entire backyard, but the weeds are trying to take over so I have been pulling weeds in order to make their backyard look pristine.  Doing a lot of other chores such as hanging all the wall decorations, fixing problems as they arise and getting to spend time with all of them.  Needless to say, my body is completely trashed tonight.  I have work so hard in almost three years and my body is just not used to the bending over, digging with my hands, and lifting.  I much rather be riding bulls or breaking horses because my body is used to those activities but I have to admit, I feel good to have my muscles hurt like they do.  It's rather embarrassing to type that yard work is kicking my butt, but cancer definitely has a way of humbling a person.  Three years ago I was in the gym curling 140 pound barbell, 350 pound seated rows, knocking out 100 push ups to warm up, and now a bunch of weeds are giving me a run for my money.  When I beat this cancer, I'll be back!  Think I'll see if my buddy, Big Jack Bron, will allow me to work out with him.  If you don't know Jack, he is as big as a house, solid as a rock, and a good friend of mine.
Haven't been working on Cody as much as I would like being as I have been helping the girls in their new home.  Haven't been out to the bull pen for a couple of weeks either.  However, this Saturday I am going to a horse auction in the morning, working with Cody in the afternoon, and then out to the bull pen that night.  Thinking about heading up to Montana's in San Dimas after bull riding.
Just trying to live my life as though today will be the last.  Everyone tells me to slow down and get ready to go into the hospital.  I am ready!  I have been ready for quite some time but telling me to slow down is like trying to put a fire out with gasoline.  Just ain't going to happen.  I figure I will have plenty of time to lay around and rest when I go in so why not open the throttle up full speed and let er' rip.
It's amazing the number of people that have acquired cancer.  It's almost as if it is at epidemic proportions.  I really believe it is due to the food we eat and the water we drink.  We have been poisoned over time.  I read many posts on Facebook of people coming down with Leukemia and they all seem to have one thing in common, panic.  I suppose. rightfully so, they have reason to be afraid and frantic.  Personally, I am not afraid of it, nor am I panicking.  Instead of being afraid of it, I choose to wrap my arms around it and embrace it.  Bring it on!  I can beat it.  I will be it.  I have been through far too much in my sixty-two years to let this bring me down and beat up.  Granted, I have my times when my body hurts so bad I can't stand it.  When I can't breathe, or when I sleep for twelve to fourteen hours at a time, that I just want to quit, but those moments are short lived and I get right back up in the saddle and put the spurs to it.  Tonight, I hurt everywhere.  There isn't a bone or muscle that doesn't hurt.  I could take my morphine or dilaudid but then I am giving into it and I just won't do it.  I am stronger than this cancer and I will not let it dictate how I am going to live.  Don't misunderstand me, I am not bragging or putting myself up on some pedestal.  I'm just a tough old cowboy and I have a certain amount of pride in being the way I am.  Just like John Wayne when he acquired cancer.  It wore him down, beat him up, but he never gave in until it took him.  He didn't cry about it, didn't bitch about, didn't make any excuses.  He played the hand he was dealt and he played it to the end and I will do the same thing.
I would like to thanks my buddies Gary, Bill and Jack for putting up with me.  I would like to thank my girls on Facebook, y'all know who you are, for all the love and support.  I would like to give a huge thanks to my friends for allowing me the use of a room so I don't have to sleep in my truck.  Like to especially thank my family, Patty, Mom, Brittany, Berlyn, Teddy, Jack and Bob for all the help and unconditional love.
Going to lay my head down and let my body do what it needs to do tonight.  Remember, storms never last and they eventually run out of rain.  The glass is always half full!

First of all, a Happy Easter to y'all.  This is the first Easter in almost forty years where I have not watched my children celebrate or have the traditional Easter dinner.  It is all good however.  Yesterday I moved my ex wife, mother in law and two daughters into their new home.  As a father, I couldn't be happier for my girls and for my ex and her mother, I am also happy for them.  Fortunately, Patty and I, are still good friends, work together for the happiness of our daughters and personally that is the way it should be.  Unfortunately, divorces more often than not produce bitterness, anger, resentment, and hostility.  It's the children that suffer most and I am blessed that my daughters are only a few blocks away and have adjusted well.
Lately I have been thinking quite hard about this transplant I am to have.  As I stated in my previous blog it looks like the end of April when I will enter the hospital.  I no longer get to excited about anything until I see it happening, but I am optimistic that the doctors will make this happen soon.
The other night, I met a man who lives here in Chino Hills.  Some of you may know him.  His name is Carlos.  His son fell thirty feet, landed on his head, and is paralyzed from the fall.  I have met his ex wife before and know of their son's story.  As we talked he told me that it was the hardest thing he had every had to go through knowing that his son, his boy, would not be able to do the things that other young men can do.  Every father who has sons, I have two, always wants to be able to play catch, go fishing, go hunting, do things that a father and son do together.  This father and son can't.  All I could really was just listen to his story.  What impressed me most of all however was the will and determination of this father and his son to not give up on their dreams.  When I came home that evening I laid down and thought over what Carlos had said.  I thought about this blog page and what this blog page was set up to do.  To inspire others through the trials and tribulations that I'am going through.  After I read my last post I realized that I had not done that.  So, this is where it is.  I will go into the hospital, do the transplant and if God is willing I will walk out.  I will fight this cancer until I have no more breath left in my body.  The glass is half full, not half empty.  As bad as I feel sometimes, as much as I yell in my pillow at night, or just want to throw into the towel, I can't and I won't.  Everywhere I go it seems someone knows me.  They compliment me on my optimism and the fight I have inside of me.  It's overwhelming at times.  Sometimes I just don't have the words to respond back.  It is as though a huge responsibility has been placed on my shoulders and it is imperative that I succeed and win this battle.  I accept the responsibility and am thankful for those people who either follow my journey, have provided, or are praying for my recovery.  I will just leave it up to the Lord and whatever he says or decides will be what I shall do.
May y'all have a wonderful Easter and truly remember what this day represents.  Until the next time, sit tall in the saddle.

Finally received a call back from UCLA today.  They have found four donors and have received samples from three of them.  They are currently running tests on the samples to determine which one would be suit me and my needs.  Then they have to contact the donor, request the marrow, have it shipped, and then they'll drop the dime on me.  My nurse coordinator figures I should be in the hospital by the end of the month.  I am not holding my breath but I just as soon get this thing over with.
Lately, I have been overly tired, body hurts more now than ever, eat like a hummingbird and two days ago I have started to cough up small amounts of blood.  My blood is a thin as gasoline and when I scrape or cut myself, they just don't heal quickly.  Still refusing to take pain medications.  I do need to eat better for I have lost six pounds this past month.  It's just the cancer takes away the appetite and I don't pay attention to eat.  The out of sight, out of mind thing.
Going to move my ex, her mother and my two daughters into their new abode on Saturday.  I will feel so much better having them all together and close by.  So Saturday is going to be a butt kicker for this old cowboy.
Been working with the horses still and enjoy my time with them.  Bull riding as usual on Saturday night.
Haven't seen my homeless buddy for a week and am hoping that he is all right.
Need to find some work this month or I am going to have to get rid of my truck and rodeo gear.  Just can't make it on nothing disability.  Such a joke!  I really don't want to go in and have this transplant to be quite honest because then I will be stuck in a bed, worrying about bills, and be more miserable than I already am.  Plus, my little Berlyn is graduating in June from the 8th grade and I want to be there to witness her big day.
I got to thinking that two and half years ago, my first oncologist gave me six to eight months because my cancer was is the aggressive phase.  Two and a half years ago and I am still kicking butt.  Wondering if I am really that sick.  I am still here.  I still live life hard and fast.  People say I look good, so what the hay?
Saw a trailer for sale on Facebook, courtesy of Lucy, and will call tomorrow.  I am going to need to bed down somewhere when I get out, if I get out, and it would do just fine.  I know they say I will need someone to take care of me when I get out of the hotel, but I think they underestimate me severely.  I have take care of myself all my life, not married anymore, not have any attachments and I think I can do this.  Really don't want to be a bother, having to have someone around me all the time, getting my meals, medicine and taking me to doctor appointments.  It's just to damn much to ask of people.  The more I think about this, the more time it takes to get in, the further away I am beginning to get from it.  I am like a horse on the fence, damned if I do and damned if I don't.  Can't get a job.  No one will hire me because of the cancer and/or my age.  Been turned down by every place in town.  There is no need for cowboys in this town.  The two cattle ranches in town hardly have any cows on them.  Not like it was twenty years ago around here.
Well, enough of my crap.  Going to go to sleep and try to make an engagement tomorrow.  The father of some friends of mine passed away and tomorrow is his viewing and funeral.  I never met the man, wish I had, but I know his daughters and out of respect for them I am going to try and go.
Not a very interesting blog tonight, but I am just a little beat up, tired and discouraged.  I guess it happens to everyone sometime.
Goodnight.