Laying here at 12:18 in the morning, unable to sleep because the body just hurts to darn much.  Been taking some pain medication tonight to knock the edge off, but these bones are just on fire so I thought I would take the time to try and get my mind off it and type on this here blog.
I was thinking back about my life, where I have been, what I have done, and more importantly, where am I going.  Everyone wants me to finish my memoirs, and I am working on them, but there just stories like anyone else has.  I ask myself, what makes mine any different?  What's the big deal?  Why would anyone want to read them?  Then I thought of what a good friend of mine said.  She told me that I should write them for my children so they would know about my life.  So, I continue to pound away at them, hoping someone will want to read them.
As I travel through this journey I am on, battling this cancer that has just riddled my body and has taken away so much, my goal is to try and help others overcome.  We all have trials and tribulations.  We are all battling something in our lives.  Some people like myself have lived it, breathed it and seen it.  There just isn't much left that I haven't experienced for my life has been that colorful, so perhaps there is another reason to keep writing.  I hope so.  I like to try and make a difference in someones life, just as any decent human being would want to do.  I believe it's in our nature to try and help, put a smile on a face, offer inspiration and hope to a troubling soul.
This past month has been quite adventurous.  After bouncing around a couple of living arrangements I have a place to lay my head that is warm and comfortable.  Sleeping in a truck that is five feet, five inches wide when you're six foot is just not comfortable lol.  I can remember spending many a night sleeping in or under my truck when I was on the rodeo circuit but I was also forty years younger and I could handle it.  It's embarrassing to be in my shoes right now.  I worked all my life and I worked hard.  Never in a million years would I have thought I would be homeless and though I am not living on the street, I am somewhat homeless.  Now, I am not playing a sad violin, but merely trying to make a point.  I spent years trying to keep up with everyone else and I failed miserably.  Had a house, fine cars, beautiful furnishings, pool, pets, dining out, insurance on everything, retirement and health.  Then one day, three months after buying our first home, the housing market collapsed and so did my business.  The dominoes began to fall.  First, all the luxuries were cut from the budget.  I know so many of you have gone through this but let me tell my story.  Then the retirement was being eaten away trying to make it to the next month.  Soon, it was all gone.  Lost the house, cars, life insurance, everything that we had was gone.  Not because of laziness or lack of trying, it just happened and one day you wake up and what was, is no longer.  The stress on the marriage was unmanageable and soon it began to implode.  We moved from a beautiful home to an two bedroom apartment and then the news came that I had this cancer.  When I first learned what I had and the stage it was in, I was shocked.  I refused to believe what I had been told.  There was no way in hell that I had this.  I had taken great care of myself all my life.  I was in the best shape a 60 year old man could have been in, but when my oncologist told me that unless I had a transplant I would only have six to eight months  to live, things began to set in.
I was diagnosed in September of 2012.  Thinking that I only had so much time, I enrolled back into college to finish something that I had started over forty years ago.  Over the next two months my body started going through some hard changes.  I began to lose weight and ended up going from 210 pounds to 145 pounds.  I would spend seven of the next twelve months in the hospital.  We were receiving assistance from my church and from the state.  The stress of everyday living was taking it's toll on my wife at the time, our two beautiful daughters and me.  All my pride was shredded.  I felt like the lowest man God had ever made.  However, there was a bright side to all this.  It's called humility.  I was stripped of all worldly possessions.  Stripped of my physique that I spent years in the making.  Stripped of my health, given cancer, for the second time.  Eventually, lost my wife and not having my daughters come through the door giving me a big hug and a kiss.  Of my five children, I have completely lost two of them for neither of them will have anything to do with me and for why, I really don't know, but if they can't tell me, I can't try to fix it.  So, I move on for I have three left that do have me in their lives.  So, here I lay tonight and you would think I am feeling sorry for myself but I am far from it.
This cancer, it's no big deal!  I could lay around and feel sorry for myself and I would have every right to do so, but I don't.  I haven't complained about it, I haven't let it beat me and by God, I will put this behind me just like the cancer I beat twenty three years ago.  Life is a rodeo.  Each rodeo is different.  Sometimes you win the trophy buckle and sometimes you leave with no money and broken bones, but you know you have to get on down the road to the next one and you know you will have to ride regardless of whether you hurt or not.  You have too!  If you don't, you've given up, laying around like a wounded dog, licking it's wounds and shivering in the corner.  I welcome this opportunity to have this cancer.  I say, bring it on!  This is the best you have?  I don't want to go through the ordeals that I am about to face.  I will readily admit this, but I will walk in that hospital with a smile on my face, some jokes to keep the nurses laughing, an attitude that will be inspirational to my fellow patients and I will walk out, unassisted, so I can rebuild my life.  Everything I had was just stuff and stuff can be replaced.  What can't be replaced are relationships and though it seems that some of my friends have nothing to do with me anymore, I have been blessed to have acquired much more than I lost.  I have nothing to complain about.  Nothing!  Yes, my life might not be going the way I want but I have so much to be thankful for and as y'all say, God has this!
My thanks to all of you that have given or your money, food, items that I will need in the hospital and recovery, support, prayers and love.  Not sure how I can repay the kindness but I will always have your back.  You will always have a cowboy in your life as long as I am alive and I plan on living long.
Goodnight y'all!

What a night!  Woke up this afternoon at 1:15.  Had a great time with friends at Roscoe's and then off to bull riding.  I was extremely upset and disappointed that the owner of the bulls would not let me get on last night.  We haggled back and forth but he wouldn't budge.  He said when I beat this cancer and get healthy then he'll let me ride.  So, my final ride has yet to happen, just being postponed for a bit.  Everyone that came to dinner followed us out to the bull pen and they were able to see bull riding up close and personal.  Took them behind the chutes and they got to take pictures of the bulls and see them up close.  Then is was time to go to work.  We all help out by doing assorted duties like pulling the chute gate open, unlatching the chute gate, pulling ropes, or herding the bulls out of the arena.  Last night I herded bulls and pulled some ropes.  Afterwards, a great friend of mine and my fellow bull riders went out for a bit and talked an laughed.  I was a bit embarrassed because everyone was coming out to watch me ride my last bull and I was not allowed to ride.  I suppose there are reasons for everything.
Today, I am not going to get dressed, take a shower, shave, nothing.  Just going to be lazy, work on my book, do some reading maybe watch a little TV.  My body needs a rest for last night I had the hardest time getting my breath just doing some work in the bull pen.  Tuesday I find out all my test results and am hoping to gain some insight as to when I will be going in for my transplant.  I am looking forward to next Sunday when I can finally meet all the folks that have been so supportive.  My thanks to Darlene, John, Bill, Sandra, Jack, Gary, Lee, Daneen, Tandi, Tom, Justin, Austin, Jorge, Nikki and Autumn for coming last night.  I hope I didn't miss anyone.
Hope y'all enjoying your Sunday.

Ok, getting ready.  Need a half hour to catch my breath, change duds and head over to Roscoe's in about an hour to start saving seats.  Feel the need to bow my head and ask for a safe evening, not so much for me, but for my fellow cowboys.  Justin, George and Austin are driving up from Camp Pendleton, never knew if I was spelling that right but what the hay.  Throwing one up for our missing cowboy, Jake, who is attending his grandpa's funeral back home.  Wishing him and his family the best during a rough time.  Spent some time over at a good friends place working with her beautiful chestnut gelding.  Boy, it's hot as a hooker in church today.  What happened to winter and spring?  I can't wait to get home late tonight and have some more homemade chicken pot pie, mashed potatoes and apple cobbler.  Really don't know how to say thank you anymore than I do for all the people that have my back.  I just want you to know that I have your's as well.  Going to kick back, watch some bull riding, get my head right and nod for the gate.  Good day y'all and hope to see y'all tonight.

Update regarding trip to UCLA and bull riding tonight.

Laying here in bed at 9 on a Saturday morning finishing my blog from last night.  I must have passed out because this was still on my screen this morning.
Just had one of the best dinners I've had in many a time thanks to a beautiful young lady who made homemade chicken pot pie, mashed potatoes and apple cobbler.  She brought everything over is some tins along with a lovely card that she received during a hospital visit two years ago and decided to pass it on to me.  I am laying here like a fat walrus, unable to even roll over.  I don't know if there will ever really be anyone in my life again, I mean I got so many things working against me right now, I am just not much of a commodity.  Trying to fight and beat cancer, no job, living out of a suitcase, driving an old cowboy truck and going to turn 63 soon.  Not very appealing, but if by chance something happens and some woman would want be with me, I sure hopes she can cook like Michelle and Darlene.
Went to UCLA today for a barrage of tests.  First, an electrocardiogram followed by a pulmonary test that I almost couldn't finish I was breathing so hard and labored.  Then an EKG followed by a Cat Scan of my chest.  Something fouled up during the first scan and so they had to re-inject the dye into my body and shoot it again.  Once we were done, my doctor told the Cat Scan guys to tell me to go to ER and check myself in because of a very small blood clot that my body has been trying to get rid of and that's causing the shortness of breath.  They said the blood clot had gone away but they wanted to monitor me.  Have you been to an ER lately?  I've got things to do other than sit around for 12 hours waiting.  So I got in my rig and drove three hours to get home.  Three hours to go sixty miles!  Should have ridden a horse.
Tonight is bull riding night looking forward to a wonderful evening with great friends.  I just spoke with one of the owners of the bulls and he says the other owner will not let me ride.  Last year I broke my hips riding bulls their and he is either afraid I am going to get hurt or am go to sue him if I do, I think.  I am going with the intent to ride tonight and will take him out back and talk to him.  This is very important to me as a man and a person.  I hope he doesn't take this away from me.  Getting hurt is part of bull riding.  It happens, sometimes worse, but like it's been said, "If you're afraid to die, don't be a bull rider."  I guess I will just have to wait and see.  Not a very happy cowboy right now.  Regardless, there will be plenty of action tonight.
Again, a mighty special thanks to Darlene for coordinating so much.  To all of you, too numerous to mention, for your support, love and prayers.  You're right, I got this.  I got this all day and some.  See y'all later I hope.  Have a great day!

Hello y'all.  This is going to be short for I am feeling very bad tonight.  I have yet to feel this kind of pain in my bones.  I have hurt before but not like this.  It is a major chore just to catch my breath at night.  I felt fairly good today but as I lay here tonight I can't help but think that this is a terrible curse that has been bestowed upon me.  Tomorrow I have to be at UCLA for a 1, 2:30, 3:30 and 4:20 appointment.  They are insistent that I be there for my doctors are worried something is wrong because I can't catch my breath.  They told me to bring a suitcase.  I told them they could forget about keeping me for I have things to do yet.  Saturday night is a big deal for me.  To be around good friends, have dinner, share some stories and go bull riding, doesn't get any better.  For anyone interested, we are eating at Roscoe's at 4 and heading over to Mira Loma around 6.  Bull riding starts about 7.  If you don't have anything to do and want to experience something different, please join us.  I am done for tonight.  My hope and prayers are that I will wake up to see another day because the way I feel tonight, doesn't feel good.  Thank y'all for everything.  I will eventually get around to all of you that are doing so much on my behalf.  I just don't think I will look good in a robe and slippers.  Boots, Wranglers and a Resistol look better lol.  Goodnight y'all.  God bless everyone of you.

Well, things are starting to slowly come together regarding my admission into UCLA for this bone marrow transplant.  Lately I have been having some health issues that have my doctors alarmed and they want me to get to UCLA for some tests and possibly admission right now.  I know my body better than anyone, including my doctors, and though I am experiencing some shortness of breath, extreme tiredness, chills and same old bone pain, I am not quite ready to go in.  I have some things that are going to get done in the next couple of weeks and when they are attended to, then I will go in.  They are not ready to do the transplant yet for they are working on the donor to make sure that we are 100% compatible.  This takes times, but they are working fast on this because of my worsening condition and I sure am not getting any younger, lol.  I am not being reckless, but I live my life my way, always have.  Maybe that hasn't been the best and many of my choices in life have not been the best for me, but this is my last rodeo and damn it, I am going to ride.
This whole ordeal is a bit overwhelming because I have to rely on others to help me through and as I stated in my last post I have to coordinate people to come stay at the Tiverton Hotel after I am released from the hospital.  UCLA is not close to where I live and people have their own lives and commitments to attend to.  My ex wife and one daughter are going to help and I am going to get a hold of my oldest son who might be able to fly down from Washington and stay with me.  I figure it this way, God has kept me alive when I should have been dead, eight times in my life to be exact, this being number nine, and I know that he will make things happen so I am not overly concerned about it.
This Saturday at 4, myself, my fellow bull riders, and friends are meeting at Roscoe's for an early dinner, talk, relax and then we'll be leaving for Mira Loma for some bull riding at 7.  It is going to be my last chance to do what I love and am so excited for this evening.  Thursday, a new friend of mine, Austin Wallace, who is a professional photographer is going to get some shots of me on horseback, thanks to another friend, Heidi who is letting me use her horse, so that I can have some photos to pass to my children being as I have seemed to have lost all the photos of my youth and rodeo experiences.  Hopefully, I have just misplaced them or they are in storage, but just in case I am having these taken as well as Saturday nights bull riding.
I have lived in Chino Hills since this was a one horse town.  I was heavily involved in the gym business for years after I retired from professional rodeo and have had the privilege to meet so many residents of this wonderful community.  It was rewarding to have worked with so many people and though I have been out of it for some time now it is always nice when someone remembers those days and has something nice to say to me.
I have made a lot of mistakes in my life.  There are people that I hurt.  People that did favors that due to circumstances I have not been able to repay, but I have kept a list and I am going back, one by one, to make amends.  People often criticize me for being so open, but I have nothing to hide from.  When your facing a life and death situation, your life changes.  You think about your life, what you've done, where you may be going when this life is over, what are you going to leave behind and how can you get square with the dealer before you leave.  My cards are on the table, my head is up, my attitude is strong and my rope is pulled tight.  I will beat this.  Years ago, the devil had my soul, but I stole it back.  My faith gets tested every day it seems but each day I try to be a better man than the one I was yesterday.  My ex wife Patty was never a real close person outwardly with God but she has been doing an amazing turn around in her life and she is a daily inspiration to me now.  My goal with the rest of my life is to give back everything I can.  So many people are struggling right now, so many people have lost so much, and so many people have it a hell of lot worse than me.  
Thank you all for everything.  I know that a special meet and greet is being set up for the weekend after next and I hope to meet so many of you.  Live your life like today is going to be the last day because you just don't know.  Be nice to people, talk to strangers even it's just a simple hello for you have no idea what that gesture may do for someone.  Let a pretty girl know how beautiful she is.  Say thank you to someone with a veteran sticker on his truck or is wearing a veteran's hat.  Shake their hand and say thank you for their service because without them we wouldn't have the freedoms we seem to take for granted.  Open the door for someone.  Take time to talk and listen to the story of the old man with his bucket in front of the store.  We are all in this together.  Remember, what goes around, comes around.  See y'all tomorrow and have a great day!

Howdy!  Been very busy and extremely tired the past few days but needed to take a moment an update this blog...Yesterday, a friend drove me to UCLA at 12:30 so I could meet with my oncologist and have my blood checked.  The nurse drew 15 vials of blood.  I called her a vampire, but a pretty one at that, and she just laughed.  I then waited for my doctor(s) and they had told me that my white blood cell count was down to 13,000.  It was over 100,000 three weeks ago so progress is being made.  A normal white blood cell count is between 4,000 and 10,000, so I am almost there.  I met with the bone marrow transplant coordinator and I signed the necessary papers to acquire the donor information that was gathered when I was in Minnesota.  Being as I have been struggling to catch my breath lately I had to have a chest x-ray which was supposed to be followed up with a CT scan at the local emergency room today.  Well, when the emergency room said it could be up to an eight hour wait, out the door I went.  We're just going to forego that test, my decision.  I refuse to wait in an emergency room for that long.  This morning, a social worker called from UCLA, with my ex-wife Patty on a conference call to discuss the entire transplant procedure, recovery and medications.  WOW!  I am going to have to really "cowboy up" for this.  I knew it was going to be rough, but not this rough.  I have a lot of coordinating to do.  Once they find the donor, or if the donor they matched me with in Minnesota is approved, I will be admitted to the hospital.  The first week will be radical chemo with the following side affects; nausea, vomiting, weakness, mouth sores, loss of hair and basically just feeling plain lousy.  Can't wait!!  Sounds like a hell of good time.  Then the bone marrow transplant take place after a one day rest.  I will be in my room for the next three weeks minimum so that my body can accept the new bone marrow.  I will be given lots of drugs to try and make me comfortable and to fight off infections being as I will have no immune system.  When I am released from the hospital, I then go to a "cancer hotel" two blocks from the hospital where I will be living for the next month.  I will need adult supervision 24/7 while I am living there, meaning that whoever is with me will be living there as well watching my sorry butt, helping me cook my food, eating, blah, blah, blah.  So, I have to start lining up help as soon as I know when my check in date will be.  Patty has offered, as well as my daughter Brittany, and hopefully my son in Washington, Teddy, can maybe come down for a bit.  When I leave the hotel, I will have to find a place to hold up.  This will be a big obstacle because it would be asking a lot from anyone to help through this.  I will not be able to drive for a while and will need weekly rides into UCLA for blood work and God forbid anything goes wrong like acquiring an infection.  I am not allowed to be around horses, cows or bulls for at least six months, which is going to kill me.  I can't be around second hand smoke, young children or getting close to dogs or cats in chance that one might scratch me.  I will be wearing a mask when I go to the doctors or around the public.  I think I will just wear a cowboy bandana, I think they look a lot cooler than those paper masks, then I can become the Chino Hills Outlaw for a while, lol.  Anyway, that is the latest update.
Last night I had the opportunity to meet some very fine people, Tandi, Tom, Matt, Eric and Matt's wife at Roscoe's last night.  I was treated to a fine steak dinner and made some great friends.  It was the best time I have had since my 50th birthday party, almost 13 years ago.  We told stories, laughed, had great food and they're coming out this Saturday to watch my final bull ride.  My fellow Marine cowboys are joining us at Roscoe's at 4 on Saturday for an early dinner, relax, and then head over to the bull pen in Mira Loma.  All of us are extremely excited to ride being as it was closed last Saturday.  Afterwards, we'll probably go somewhere and hang out a bit.  I would like to thank Tandi and Tom for the most delicious steak I have had in a long, long time.  They have been huge supporters of me, as everyone else has been, during this rough stretch in the road for me.
I am very fortunate to have an ex-wife that I get along with for she is being a huge support and very nice through this whole ordeal.  She's a good woman and is trying her best as she too is going through her own challenges in life.  We may not be married anymore, but I will always love her for being the mother of my two beautiful daughters, Brittany and Berlyn.  I think that is how is should be, but unfortunately, it doesn't always work that way.  I would like to thank my children for their support as well.  I know this has been hard for them knowing that their father used to be a physically big, in shape man and due to this cancer has dwindled down for 210 pounds to as little as 145.  I know it's not been easy but they have stood tall and firm and it's their love that is a huge piece of the puzzle in keeping my head up and desire to continue this fight to the end.  I greatly appreciate all those who have embraced me and have helped me through all this.  A huge thanks to Darlene for setting up GoFundMe account to help offset living expenses being as still can't find any work due to my condition and unfortunately, bills don't just disappear.  Her, and her husband John, are two of the finest people I have ever had the pleasure to meet and their help has been insurmountable.
Thursday, a young man has offered to take some photos of me working with a horse and riding bulls, being as I have seemed to have lost all my photos from my past.  He offered to due this being as he is a professional photographer and I will be able to have some photos to give to my children.
A big thank you to the community of Chino Hills as a whole, you've been beyond wonderful and I hope to meet each and every one of you one day to offer my heartfelt thank you!