Don't let the Devil win.

Cowboy Update: For those that don't know, I now have a blog.  The address is http://chinohillscowboy.blogspot.com.  If you would like to sign up via email, it would be my honor to have you at my fire.
Today I am going to have a another bone marrow biopsy done to determine what stage my cancer is at now being as my white blood cell count has spiked to 98,000.  After the biopsy, UCLA is planning on transporting me to their hospital.  I do not know what they are planning on doing with me but once I find out I shall post an update.
I decided to write this story last night and post it.  It exposes me a little, but then I put my cards on the table in hope that I may help someone else.  My life's experiences have taken me down so very many different roads.  I have made decisions, both good and terrible, and it is my hopes that perhaps someone is getting ready to make a life altering decision and something I write might help them make the right decision, and do what I did.





  "You have six to eight months."  Imagine is you will, you're in perfect health, you eat right, you work out every day, you're strong, active and full of life.  Then you notice a little twinge in your shoulder.
This was me over two years ago.  I was working out and noticed that I had a pain in my left shoulder.  Already having had my right shoulder completely replaced my the first thought I had was I had torn my rotator cuff.  Having torn my right cuff three times before they replaced the joint, I was familiar with that type of pain.  My doctor referred me to an orthopedic surgeon who ordered an MRI on the shoulder.  When he reviewed the MRI with me, he told me that there was nothing wrong with my shoulder, that is was perfectly intact, but there was an unexplainable mass in the bone of my upper arm.  My doctor immediately had me see an oncologist who eventually performed a bone marrow biopsy.  Two weeks later he had me come into his office and told me that the biopsy came back positive, I had cancer.  It took me a minute or so to let the words sink in.  My first words in response were, "How long do I have?"  "You have six to eight months."
     On the drive home my thoughts were racing like a strong wind blowing over the prairie.  I was consumed with scattered thoughts.  Had I been a good father?  Was I a good man?  Was I good friend and husband?  Where would I go when I died?  Just like loose ashes in the wind, so were my thoughts.  All I could see were the faces of my children.  Who was going to take care of them when I leave?  Tears began to swell and ran down my face like rainwater flows down a pane of glass.
     When I arrived at home the walk from my truck to the front door felt as if I was going to the gallows.  My two young daughters, and wife at the time, were awaiting my arrival to hear the news.  Always being one to put his cards on the table I came right out and told them that I had cancer, but I did not say anything about my timeline.  Instead of sitting around moping and feeling sorry for myself I elected to take the opportunity and turn it into something positive.  I told my daughters that I have been through worse than this and that I would ride this bull for the full eight seconds.  It was time to "Cowboy Up" and I have been plowing through life ever since.
     No matter what your problems are, how bleak things may look at the time, I am here to say that all storms run out of rain eventually.  I know all too well about losing hope, giving into the situation and letting the Devil win.  I could do it right now.  Between not having a permanent home, overwhelmed with financial obstacles and facing death, I could have every reason to feel bad, but I don't.  I am still blessed because I have relationships.  I also have an attitude, a cowboy attitude!  
     Many years ago as a police officer I had to do something that altered my life for ever and eventually brought me down into large black abyss.  I spiraled downward like rock falling out of the sky.  Eventually, I would try to end of my life on two separate occasions, but by the grace of God, I survived.  I will eventually share both of the stories because I feel that they needed to be told.  Those that know me, also know that I don't hold back.  I am not proud of everything that I have done, but I am not ashamed of where I have been and I am not one to hide behind my experiences.  I believe God has kept me alive so that I may use my pen and not my fists to get through the rest of my life.  We are all in this together.  We need each other.  You may have wealth but you have nothing if don't have relationships.  I am here to not only write but to offer my ears should anyone need to talk to someone that has been there and back.