My apologies

Well, woke up this morning and read a few posts from people that I have never met, Tandi and Laurie, both of whom I consider my friends even though we have yet to meet.  Both of them had some valid points and sharp comments.  Sometimes life just beats the crap out of you and you wonder why?  Was I really this bad of a person?  Did I really cause this much harm or hurt that many people?  Did I not do a good enough job as a father?  What?  What did I do?  I had a talk with the Lord last night as I laid in bed.  I can't kneel anymore because it just plain hurts to much, but I think he listens regardless of our physical position.  I asked, "What do you want from me?"  "Why are you picking me to be a whipping post?"  Keep in mind, I am not mad at him, just utterly confused.  Long story short, I finished and began watching a little television and on was the movie "Unforgiven."  Of course, a Clint Eastwood movie, but as I watched the movie I began to get that cowboy spirit back.  Although the movie script and my current life's battle has nothing is common it was just the rawness of his character that reminded me of myself.  A man who has always had a black cloud follow him or over him, never have had any kind of luck, and just a self made tough man.  I thought about the post I had put up and was going to take it down, hide it from everyone because I was now embarrassed but then I am not hiding anything so why start now.  This is who I am at the moment, that particular moment when I was laying by myself, with no one to talk to but my inner self.  Yes, I feel down for a moment.  I think I am allowed that courtesy but I am not a quitter and I am here to say that even the hardest of men, the toughest of the tough, when they are lonely and feel the walls of the world coming down around them, have their moments.  I did, but now I am over it.  It is a new day, the sun came up as it always does and I am blessed one more time to see it.
Monday I have an appointment with the oncology team at UCLA and I will be there.  We will get this damn thing done.  As Tandi said, "God has not taken me home yet" and there must be a heck of a good reason.  So, for those who are reading my journey, for those who may be looking up to this cowboy for some personal strength or hope, I am back on the bull.  I would like to thank you two women for your comments this morning, for the comments of all, the acts of love and friendship, the generosity of fellow human beings, total strangers just weeks ago are becoming life long friends.  So, as the Code of the West says, "Live each day with courage, always finish what you start and do what has to be done."  I am a cowboy and damn good one at that.  I may have got thrown off last night but I am back on today.  Hopefully the weather will hold up for tonight because I have never wanted to ride bulls more than I do right now.